[June 20th, 2003]
Kevin sat quietly at the café
table, stirring his drink, looking at nothing in particular. He checked his
watch--he had an hour before he needed to report for his last fashion show.
Two years ago everyone had decided on a break...he had finally decided that
he was done with his. Modeling had been an experience, and all the extra
time on his hands had helped produced many a song, some for soundtracks...maybe
some for their future albums? Would there be any future albums?
Kevin shook his head and continued
to stir his drink absent-mindedly, furious with himself letting such a thought
cross his mind. Of course there'd be another album...they just didn't know
when. So what if there hadn't been much talk about one? They hadn't technically
broken up as a group...
But part of him was afraid
what would happen if--no, not if,
when--they made their next album.
It'd probably be seen as a "comeback"...would too much be expected of them?
Would they expect too much from themselves?
Kevin noticed his coffee was
frothing, and stopped stirring to take a sip. His eyes fell on the vacant
seat across from him--a year ago, Chin had been sitting there, poking fun
at him, laughing with him, filling him in on her day. A year ago, things
were different. A year ago, he would have gone back to his apartment in the
evening after the show to call the house...to call Sarah.
But it wasn't a year ago--this
was now. Things had changed. He wouldn't lie to himself; he knew that decision
to return to the US had partly been because of Sarah...he wanted to be around
more often. He wanted what they had once had...he wanted what could have
been. True, she was almost fully recovered, mentally and physically, but that
didn't mean they were "best friends" again. He knew she tried to regain all
the degrees of friendships she previously had with everyone, but it seemed
that extra ounce of trust had stuck and stayed with Brian, instead of returning
to him.
He had tried to change that...he
was planning to try even harder with his return...but he knew all he could
do was try. He'd sold his house in Florida--it had been rented out while
he was in Paris--and had bought a place close by the girls. Howie, and Brian
had suggested that he "bunk up" with them in their place by the record company,
and Nick and Julie had offered space in their apartment, but Kevin wanted
privacy, and anyway, he knew both places would be a little packed.
The girls also mentioned that one of their guestrooms could be his, but he
had declined that as well...he truthfully didn't know if he could handle his
stance with Sarah day in and day out in the house...and anyway, he still liked
the idea of having his own house, but now it seemed that it didn't matter
if it was in Florida...if it was by Sarah, he'd be fine.
Kevin snapped out of his thoughts
and decided he'd find something better to do than wallow in the past and
worry over the future; he'd been spending a lot of time doing that recently.
He left some money on the table where the bill had been placed and grabbed
his jacket as he got up to leave. He took one last look at the corner café
and reminded himself where he'd be in a few days...home.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[June 25th]
"I'm just about ready to kill Johnny...shh,
don't tell him that," AJ whispered into the phone. On the other end, Chin
giggled.
"I don't think he'd appreciate
that...I mean, after all you two have been through--"
"HA! I do all the work and
he gets all the credit," AJ joked. Chin smiled, her eyes darting to the
door when she noticed Sprite stroll into her room. Chin was presently sitting
on her bed with the cordless phone, Coke purring contently on her lap. AJ
was in his tour bus--she could hear the noises of the vehicle.
"Aw, is Alexander James all
tired?" Chin cooed.
"Hell yes...almost two years
I've devoted to this guy...I mean, he's okay in spurts, but AH I'm going
insane!" AJ laughed. Chin rolled her eyes.
"Then put him back in the closet,
handcuffs and all, and get that group of yours back together!"
"That's what I'm gonna do,
hon...though the group was never apart to begin with."
"Yeah, yeah...just a break...no
a break-UP..." Chin sighed, looking at the one poster she still had on her
wall; it was a picture of the Boys' first album cover.
"Good you can distinguish...So
anyway, you can't tell Mr. No-Name, but these shows before the reunion will
be his last for awhile."
"Oh, so I'll get to spend more
time with you?" Chin giggled.
"Yes, and no...I'm gonna stay
a bit after everyone leaves...but I neglected a lot of my share of work at
the company, so I'll have to go up to LA eventually," AJ sighed. "By the
way, where's Train? He there yet?"
"Nope, coming over for dinner.
He won't let us set foot into his new house until he 'cleans it up' so we're
having a kind of 'house warming' thing at OUR house," Chin replied. "That
boy is weird sometimes."
"Indeed...are the other two
coming down from LA? And what about Nick and Julie?"
"Howie and Nick are in Florida
with their respective business ventures, and Julie has some huge editor deadline...but
Brian's driving down, yeah," Chin said, smiling when Sprite woke Coke up
and both darted out of the room. "Oh, that reminds me...I have to go pick
Jen up. You'd think she'd be enjoying her summer vacation, but no...I dropped
her off at the library on the way to work; she might want to be home in
time to see her lover boy," Chin giggled. AJ rolled his eyes, even though
he knew she couldn't see. "Don't roll your eyes at me, hon," Chin warned.
AJ's mouth popped open. "And close your mouth, while you're at it," she
laughed. "...I know you too well," she grinned, answering his question before
he could even ask.
"Damn, woman," AJ breathed.
"I love you too...now I gotta
go or Miss Jen will kill me."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[July 16th, 2PM]
The house was alive again;
another 4-month "reunion" was underway, no glitches in sight. At the moment,
everyone was scattered about the house, as usual. Lance was in the downstairs
guestroom taking a nap with Hannah--both had been the last to arrive; their
plane had touched down around noon. Everyone else had trickled in over the
past few days. Nick, Brian, Julie, and Jenny were outside in the driveway
playing basketball; one couple versus the other...there was more goofing
off than actual playing. Howie and Cathy had taken a walk with the three
dogs. Chin, AJ, Sarah, and Kevin were lounging around in the kitchen and
family room.
"You done with my magazine
yet, hon?" Chin asked, rummaging through the cupboards to find some chips.
AJ looked over the top of his glasses from his spot on the couch.
"Chin!" he whined like a 9-year-old
girl, "I was JUST at the good part for our astrological matching!" Chin gave
him an I'm-sorry-you-poor-baby look and sauntered over to him after she
found the bag of chips.
"You really believe in that
stuff, Bone?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow, his eyes on the TV as he channel
surfed. Sarah, having wedged herself in the loveseat with her eyes closed,
sighed and changed her position--she was almost asleep and they had to start
talking
now?
"I never said I didn't...it's
just kinda fun to look at," AJ grinned, scooting over so Chin could sit down
beside him. The phone rang...once...then twice...Kevin looked up, sighing
when he realized Sarah was asleep and that Chin and AJ were too absorbed
in the magazine. He turned off the TV, got up, and left the room to find the
phone.
*"Virgo and Capricorn make
a solid and supportive pair," Chin read from the magazine, grinning from
ear to ear. AJ draped an arm around her. "Both of you are down-to-earth,
conservative, responsible and results-oriented."
"...The two of you can accomplish
a lot together," AJ stated, skipping to the bottom of the paragraph. He looked
at Chin and wiggled his eyebrows. She made a face and smacked him playfully.
"...As a couple, you may be
overly serious and lacking in spontaneity," Chin skimmed a bit, and read
on. AJ made a shocked face.
"Lacking spontaneity? I'll
show you spontaneity!" AJ attempted to get up, his arms around Chin's waist,
his eyes on the pool outside.
"Shhhh," she soothed, pushing
her weight down in an attempt to prevent him from getting up--her eyes darted
to Sarah's sleeping figure. Even with her attempt to weigh him down, Chin
was still light enough for AJ to easily pick up, but he noticed their friend's
slumber, gave in, and sat back down. "...Be sure to enjoy the warmth of the
bond you create," Chin finished reading, smiling at him.
"Damn straight. We have the
best bond," he stated, kissing her cheek.
"Now, now...don’t get all big-headed.
Everyone else is pretty good too, hon. What about Hannah and Lance? Kat and
Howie? They didn't break up like we did," she replied, pointing a finger
to his chest.
"So? What about Julie and Nick?
And Brian and Jen?" AJ whined, not really thinking about what he was saying,
but just trying to argue with Chin for the fun of it.
"You're not making any sense,
hon," she smiled. "You're cute when you can't argue," she kissed him.
"Well, then I'll try to argue
and fail more often," he replied with a sly grin. Chin smiled and looked
over at Sarah once more, double-checking that they hadn’t woken her up. "She's
asleep, don't worry," AJ assured Chin.
"I wish she had that bond,"
Chin whispered, looking at her friend softly.
"What are you talking about?"
"Sarah's always wanted that
bond, Alex...she deserves to have it, you know?" Chin sighed, looking back
at him. AJ raised an eyebrow.
"Again, I ask...what are you
talking about?" His brows knitted in confusion. Chin lightly smiled at his
obliviousness.
"That bond we have, Alex...the
bond that everyone has with their significant other. She's always wanted
that, for as long as I can remember...and she's never found it."
"Not once? Not like a high
school boyfriend, or something?" AJ asked, incredulously.
"Nope. Never," Chin shook her
head.
"Wow," AJ breathed, looking
over at Sarah as she shifted positions in her sleep. Before he or Chin could
say anything else, Kevin returned to the room.
"That was Marie. Zack's coming
by later, around 4," he informed them as he headed back to the spot in front
of the TV. Both nodded and watched him retrieve the remote and turn to the
television back on to mindlessly channel surf. "Damn, why don't I get all
these channels at home?" he chuckled. Both AJ and Chin continued to watch
him silently. Their eyes shifted once again to Sarah's sleeping figure.
Sure, everything was pretty
much back to the way things had once been, when everything had supposedly
been perfect...but something was missing.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[July 22nd]
Sarah watched from the stairs
as everyone got ready to depart from the house for an evening out--the reunion's
week was coming to a close and starting tomorrow, people would be leaving
one by one. They had already asked her to come along for dinner and whatever
else, but she had politely refused, mumbling something about a shower as
she had headed upstairs, ignoring any of their attempts to persuade her.
Minutes later, they were gone, and all Sarah could do was cry. Why? She
didn't know...it just happened now, more often. She sometimes wondered if
a body could cry too much...would she just dry out someday?
Sarah's tears refused to stop.
She slowly walked to her room and headed for her bed, leaving the door open;
there was no need to close it when no one else was in the house. She sat
at her desk and turned her indigo iMac on, her back to the entrance of the
room. Some months ago she had resorted to typing her journal entries, after
finally becoming annoyed with with her messy handwriting. Had she been writing
by hand at the moment, the words would have been splotched by her tears...
Again, dammit...why this happens,
I don't know. I know something's wrong with me, but I'm too scared to say
anything about it. The others have already had to worry too much over me
in the past months--they don't need this. I'm just getting "better"--and
yet I'm getting worse. That's always my luck...Sometimes, I wonder what would
have happened if Rebecca had succeeded with her hospital plan...or what
if I never remembered anything? Either way, at least I wouldn't have this
damn pity-pot to deal with. I now know that I had this "problem" before...but...I
guess with everything else that had been happening back then, and me being
my usual self not wanting to bother anyone, I somehow skillfully shoved
it out of the way...Go me. I wish I could do that again... Now, everyone
is worried, but they think it's only me dealing with all the memories that
are flooding back. Let them think that...it's better that way. In fact...It
would have been better if I had been killed in the accident.
"You don't mean that. Any
of it." Sarah heard a voice and whirled around in her swivel chair, startled
by his presence." ...You can't."
"I didn't know you were in
here. I thought everyone left," Sarah replied, quickly saving the file and
quitting the program.
"I didn't feel like seeing
the movie..."
"It's not polite to read over
people's shoulders when they read...or write something," she stated expressionlessly
as she shutdown the computer.
"I know, I'm sorry.... I just...I
just wanted to know why you were crying--"
"Why would you care?" Sarah
hastily wiped her cheeks, furious at herself for not doing so earlier.
"Because I do...You know I
do."
"Just like everyone else,"
she stated disgustedly, getting up and heading towards the door. "All you
guys do is worry about ME. Give yourselves a break once in a while, why don't
you?"
"Sarah, we have to talk about
this." He grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving.
"There's nothing to talk about,
Kevin."
"Yes there is. Why did you
write that?" He led her to her bed and sat down. She struggled, but finally
gave in and sat next to him.
"Write what?" She looked around
the room, not looking him in the eye.
"You know what."
She finally looked at him.
"It's not like I had an epiphany and wrote about that stuff for the first
time or anything," she shrugged. Her eyes narrowed, struggling out of his
grasp. "Why couldn't I have meant it?"
"Because it's not true."
"How could you know that?"
she scoffed.
"I do," he answered with determination.
"What an explanation. You
get the Comforter of the Year Award," she laughed uneasily, shifting her
gaze to her feet.
"We would have died if you
did, you know that."
"No, I don't know that. Don't
spit out lies to comfort me, Kevin," she sighed. "I know that all of you
would have gone to my funeral, and then gotten on with your lives. One less
person to worry about..."Sarah trailed off.
"I... would have died," he
whispered.
Her eyes flew to his.
"What?" she barely choked
out. He reached over and grasped both of her hands in his.
"I would have died," he repeated,
looking straight into her eyes. "...without you. Mentally, physically, emotionally...You're
too much a part of my life for me to live it without you."
Sarah's face was one of shock
at first... and then of disappointment.
"You would have been perfectly
fine without me, Kevin," she whispered, as tears began to flow again, her
voice faltering. "Same with the others. Just a bump in the road, then on
to the rest of your lives. I knew this before anything happened, and I know
it now. The memory loss didn't erase that."
"Sarah, remember last July?"
Kevin struggled, trying to find something to bring her back down to earth.
Sarah looked at him blankly. "...When you were so afraid that everything
would just fall apart one day?" She nodded slightly. He continued. "Remember
what I said? That there needed to be something powerful enough to make us
realize just how much we all needed each other?" He looked at her. She wasn't
responding. "You were that something powerful, Sarah. Without any of this,
who knows what all our friendships would have turned out like by now?"
"So you're just saying it's
GOOD that I got into the accident and got hurt, huh?" she spat. Kevin winced,
trying to reword what he had just said without thinking.
"No, no...not that. It's just...what
if you
had died, Sarah? Everything
would have fallen apart."
"Don't pull that shit, Kevin.
Just don't, okay?" Sarah's voice cracked.
She wasn't the reason everyone
was happy again; she wouldn't accept that. Everyone was meant to be--that's
why they were back together. She had nothing to do with it...she wasn't
that important. She knew she wasn't. "You guys can do fine without me. Why
can't you see that?" She tried to pull her hands away from Kevin's. He let
go, only to envelope her in a hug.
"Why can't you see that I
need you?" he breathed into her hair.
"Because you don't." Sarah
struggled to get away. "If you think you do, you're just fooling yourself.
Let go."
He tightened his grip.
"No. I can't...I never will."
"You have to...It's not your
choice." Her voice was quivering, as if trying to convince herself of her
own words. "I
can't see it, and I won't, Kevin. Let me go."
Kevin's mind was racing as
he held her struggling body.
Could he say it? Could he
finally say it now when she needed to hear it the most?
"Why can't you see...that
I love you?"
He felt her stop struggling
and stiffen up.
He pulled away a bit, and
looked into her scared, tear-filled eyes, wiping a strand of hair away from
her face. As if by instinct, he slowly leaned his face closer to hers...
Just when their lips were about to touch, she turned her face away.
"I can't do this," she stated
almost inaudibly, getting up and walking out of the room. It took a split
second for Kevin to snap out of shock and follow her. He reached the bottom
of the stairs before she could make it to the door to the garage. He had
to stop her.
"Sarah, I--"
"WHY?" She turned around and
cut him off, looking at him through a blurred vision. "Why, Kevin...WHY?"
She looked him straight in the eye while trying to fight back tears.
A million thoughts ran through
his head, but he could not verbalize a single one.
He took a step to get closer
to her, but stopped dead in his tracks when she started to speak again.
"Why would you want a person
who isn't perfect when perfection is what you deserve?" she began, still
looking at him. "Why would you want to put your arms around a fat, pudgy
waist when you could have anyone? Why would you want someone who has the
memory capacity of a caterpillar? Why would you want to deal with someone
who has no direction in her life? Why would you want to be with someone who's
too self-conscious and shy for her own good?" She continued to rattle off
numerous 'imperfections.' Kevin didn't respond. "...Why would you want someone
who hates the life she leads and would only pull you down with her? A person
who can't do anything right? Someone who's so emotionally unstable on the
inside that it scares the shit out of her?!" She was almost yelling by now...if
the strained, wavering voice could be labeled as a yell.
She hadn't broken her gaze
with him. Her chin was trembling against her will. She pressed her lips together
and closed her eyes tightly, as if to squeeze out any of the remaining tears
that had been overflowing down her cheeks for sometime now.
He was speechless. He just
stood there, unmoving, and felt as if his feet were cemented to the floor.
She opened her eyes and looked up at him again, and spoke softly, as if almost
scared to continue.
"Why would you want...me?"
Kevin stood, still speechless.
His feet felt cemented to the ground as Sarah's eyes bore into his, waiting
for an answer. Moments passed, and there was still silence. Sarah shook
her head and turned to leave. Kevin's feet wouldn't move. He watched helplessly
in a daze as the door to the garage shut behind her. He heard the garage
door open, her car start, and pull out...only then did he run through the
front door. By the time he was outside, all he caught was a glimpse of the
Civic turning the corner.