[4 days later]
        "Sarah--"
        "Stop it. Just stop."
        "Stop what?"
        "Trying to 'talk'. That's all you--any of you--ever do anymore. Just stop."
        What do you mean? What else is there?  AJ thought to himself, but was silent for a moment. He finally spoke again.
        "I can't."
        Sarah looked up at him, surprised he had continued the conversation and not given up.
        "Why not?"
        "Because...you're one of my best friends. I hate to see you like this."
        "Then don't look."
        AJ sighed and let the silence settle between them. Sarah sat stubbornly in the hammock, where she had been secluding herself for the past hour. Other than her, Julie, Chin, and Cathy, only he, Brian, and Nick were left in the house after the reunion. Everyone else had returned to their respective activities, though Howie was planning to drop by in a week.
        Everybody knew something had happened four nights ago; they had come home and Sarah had shut herself in her room with Kevin nowhere to be found; the only trace of him was a note on the kitchen counter simply saying that he had gone home early...no explanation. The guys had tried to talk to him about it on the phone, but he skillfully redirected the conversations or always had to go attend to his "new home," or some other business. He had tried calling the house to talk to her, but was always unsuccessful. In truth, he didn't know what to think, how to react, what to do...and he didn't really want to have the guys knowing that for once, their big brother felt completely lost.
        No one had been able to really get through to Sarah, either...When Kevin called, she "wasn't home"...and if anyone brought him up in conversation, she'd either change the subject, ignore them, or promptly leave the room to seclude herself again. That was why she was presently in the hammock--Nick had absent-mindedly wondered out loud about why Kevin had left so abruptly, especially when the older man lived so close by... Sarah had left the kitchen. After death glances at Nick and a lot of silence between the rest of the occupants at the breakfast table, AJ had stepped out to find her.
    "I can't help but look," AJ replied softly. "Do you want me to wear a blindfold or something? But then I'd have to get rid of these glasses and I'd need a cane. What a nuisance." He tipped his glasses down. "Either that, or I'll be getting bruises from bumping into everything. Doesn't sound pretty. The tattoos don't look good with purple," AJ tried to joke. Sarah didn't look at him, still vacantly gazing across the pool. His grin slowly disappeared and he sighed again, tipped his glasses back up and shoved his hands in his pockets, searching for the right words to say to her, if any were in existence.
        "Hannah has bandanas. Help yourself," he heard her mutter. A small smile crept back onto his face. He hadn't lost her yet.
        "Kevin called." He immediately cursed himself for blurting that out. He expected a negative reply on her part.
        "Go figure."
        Affirmative: response = negative.
        "He just wants to talk to you." AJ decided to try and reason with her.
        "Let him talk."
        AJ raised an eyebrow. Had he heard her correctly?
        "Should I call him, then?" AJ started walking towards the house.
        "...Let him talk all he wants. That doesn't mean I'm going to listen, or respond."
        AJ stopped in his tracks and turned around.
        So much for that.
        "I don't think that's what he'd be aiming for." AJ stood by the hammock. Sarah shrugged, lay back her head, and closed her eyes. "Sarah, I know I can't ask what's wrong--it's prolly a million things. But we're all confused...and worried.  Can't you let any of us in?"
        "Can I talk to Brian?" Sarah whispered.
        AJ did a double take--was she crying? That fast?
        "Yeah, everyone finished breakfast...I think he's with his guitar somewhere in the house. Lemme go get him..." AJ ran off.
        Minutes later, Brian showed up and found Sarah with tears down her cheeks. Immediately he knelt down beside her.
        "What's wrong?" He got no response. "What did AJ do? Do I have to kill him for you?"
        Sarah weakly smiled and opened her eyes. She shook her head and outstretched her arms. Brian stood up and helped her up. She hugged him and kept the embrace.
        "No...it's nothing...just...I dunno. Too many things crowded my brain all at once and even though I'm almost over the loss of memory, you still feel like the only person I can run to," she said softly, her head resting on his chest.
        "That's fine with me." He rubbed her back. They stayed silent for some time and sat in the hammock after awhile, swaying back and forth a bit. "AJ warned me that you might not want to 'talk'. He looked like a hurt puppy. Disregard what I said earlier about what he did to you. What did you say to him?" Brian wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She lightly smiled.
        "I was just being stubborn and rude."
        "So are you gonna bite my head off or have you left the bitch-mode?"
        "Not sure." She smiled again. Leave it up to Brian.
        "Hmm, I'd better watch what I say then, I take it."
        "I guess."
        Both heard one of the lines ring in the house. Nick came running out with the cordless, his hand over the mouthpiece, seeing Brian's and Sarah's backs to him as they sat in the hammock.
        "It's Kev..."
        Brian felt Sarah's body tense up. She closed her eyes again, as if deciding how to word her reply, if she could even reply.
        Brian turned his head back and looked at his blond friend.
        "She's not here, Nick," he whispered. Nick sighed, nodded, and left with the phone. 
        "Thank you," Sarah whispered.
        "No prob. Just promise me you'll talk to him...eventually."
        "Eventually," Sarah repeated quietly. Her eyes were still closed.
        They heard the phone ring again. Nick showed up, this time walking to stand in front of them, with the other cordless, his hand over the mouthpiece.
        "It's Jenny. Lemme guess--no Brian in the house?"
        Brian nodded and Nick disappeared.
        "You could have taken that."
        "I'll call her...eventually--OW!" he yelped as Sarah poked him. "You're as violent as she used to be."
        "Yes, it amazing; the habits I've adapted from my former roommate," Sarah laughed. "That 'eventually' was not needed, Bri."
        "Sorry."
        "You should be. Now hush. It was peaceful."
        The two sat in silence for about 20 minutes. Both were lost in thought, undisturbed by the stillness.
        Sarah felt bad for ignoring Kevin. She didn't want to hurt him, but he could not love her. It wasn't right...but he wasn't happy. He was her friend...but was that only in the past? What was he now? Why did he have to care so much? ...and why did she?
        "What is love, Brian?" Sarah asked, opening her eyes but looking out at the pool. He snapped out of his own thoughts.
        "What? What do you mean?"
        "Sorry. It was a stupid question."
        "No, tell me."
        "I don't know what true love is," Sarah sighed. "The only love I've ever experienced is that of friends and family..."
        "So you're asking what that other kind is?"
        "Yeah," she meekly replied.
        "Don't be embarrassed."
        "I can't help it. It feels weird asking such a question...can it even be answered?"
        Brian took a moment to think. "Of course it can...It's just kind like defining art or beauty; there's no single answer..."
        "You wanna enlighten me?" Sarah looked up and smiled at him.
        "I can try..." Brian paused, trying to find the words. Brian's thoughts wandered to Kevin, and what his cousin must have been doing at the moment--undoubtedly worried about Sarah. He had called at least once every day since he had left...
        "Brian? ...You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he heard Sarah's voice.
        "What? No, I will...I was just thinking of how to," Brian said. He looked down at her and smiled. She was resting against him, her eyes closed, waiting. "Love is a condition...where the happiness of another person...is essential to your own. It's something of which you never want to let go. It's the strongest form of friendship. Love is...not forgetting. It's memories. It's hope... Love is blind, but you see more once you've fallen. Love is happiness, but it's painful. It makes you vulnerable and open...You feel a part of someone, they a part of you. You would die for them, they would die for you." Brian finished, amazed with the words that had come out of his mouth.
        "Are you sure?" Sarah's spoke after a few moment of silence, her voice barely audible. She sounded scared.
        "Yeah, pretty sure...I guess I could also say that **having someone love you is like having a blanket around your heart, and when it's taken away..." Brian trailed off as he remembered how life had been like without Jenny. "But 'Each to his own,' I guess. Was that definition bad?"
        "I don't know." Her voice was soft.
        "Why? What is it?" Brian whispered.
        "If that's what it means to be in love, then..." Sarah trailed off.
        "Yeah?"
        Sarah took a deep breath and closed her eyes again.  "I...I..."
        "You what?" Brian asked.
        Sarah's grip on him tightened.
        Could she say it?
        "I...love him."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[1 week later--August 2nd]
        Kevin climbed into the van and slammed the door.
        He took a deep breath, then rested his head on the steering wheel.
        He couldn't take it anymore.
        ...But he had to.
        He couldn’t blame her. He couldn't blame Brian.
        It wasn't their fault.
        He lifted his head up and dug into his pocket for the keys. He started the ignition and drove his car down the street, not really sure where he was headed.
        He had finally gotten the courage to return to the house...he had to face her. He had to talk to her...but he had gone for nothing. The moment he had walked in, he had noticed his cousin sitting with Sarah on a living room couch, deep in conversation.
        No matter how much he told himself it was stupid to feel anything...seeing that scene had truly hurt.
        She hadn't talked to him for over a week...yet there she was, pouring her heart out to Brian.
       Hours later, Kevin found himself in the nearby park, sitting on a bench, watching leaves dance about in the wind along the sidewalk at his feet. Lucky for him the place was deserted...or so he thought.
        "She's worried about you." Kevin heard a voice and looked up to meet Howie's brown eyes. Kevin chuckled a bit, as if not believing that Sarah was actually worried...Howie saw his friend's doubt and continued. "She saw you turn tail and leave in a flash...She wanted to know where you went."
        "Sorry," Kevin muttered.
        "Don't sit there and say sorry to me...just come back to the house and tell her."
        "I didn't do anything for which to say sorry....Anyway, I can't. Not right now."
        "Why not?" Howie sat down next to Kevin on the bench.
        "I'll explode. I'll hurt her and never be able to forgive myself."
        "What do you mean?"
        Kevin sighed and looked at his shoes; his back was slouched, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands right hand fiddling with his watch.
        "I'll yell at her...and Brian. I know I will. And then I'll regret it. But the damage will be done. I can't take it anymore, D." Kevin rested his head in his hands. "I just needed to clear my head before I did something awful."
        "What are you talking about?" Howie was confused.
        "From the moment she woke up from her coma, she latched onto Brian. I can't be mad at her for it...but what about me?" Kevin began. "Maybe I'm just being selfish...but I was the one who found her, who saw her in that crushed car. I sat in that damn ambulance and held her hand, praying that she would live. I stayed in her room until the nurses kicked me out. I went back and stayed there until she woke up...but then..." he trailed off, not trusting his voice anymore. Howie put a reassuring hand on his friend's back.
        "We know you care about her--"
        "But she doesn't."
        "Of course she does."
        "No, I'm just 'Brian's cousin,' or 'part of the BSB'..." Kevin muttered. He sighed when he caught Howie giving him a 'look.' "Ok, so maybe she's accepted me as her friend again... but that's all."
        "Kev--"
        "I'm not blaming him for making it worse, don't worry. I would never do that. Brian did the right thing in going along with it all...but sometimes I just wish she'd open up to me, you know? Why not me?" Kevin's head hadn't left his hands. Howie's once dormant hand began to rub the older man's back.
        "She will, with time."
        "She's had time. Even before the accident, she never fully opened up. You guys may think she did, hell, for awhile, I thought she did too...but there was always this point, she'd just stop. I'd get to the door of her heart, but she wouldn't let me in..." Kevin muttered. "It's just not going to happen. I'm sick of knocking and waiting. That door's not going to open. It's more locked now than it ever was before."
        "Do you think she's let Brian in?"
        "No, I don't know what to think. I know she wouldn't...she doesn't let anyone in. But, it's like he's got a foot in. Like...I don't know...he's listened to things in 6 months that it took me years of close friendship to find..." Kevin trailed off. "But then again, after all that, I guess there's still some things that only a best friend would know, huh?" Kevin looked at his friend.
        Howie weakly smiled and shrugged. He was at a loss for words, unsure of what would provoke Kevin, upset him, or what would soothe him now. "Kev--"
        "Does Brian know that she doesn't care for roses?" Kevin almost whispered, looking at his feet. Howie stopped attempting to talk.  "Does he know that she twisted her right hip in 6th grade? Does he know that she'd rather stay home than go to somewhere like Cancun? Does he know that when she was 17, on the day she took her SAT's, her 21-year-old cat had to be put to sleep? Does he know that she still has her Titanic posters hidden away?" Kevin's voice was shaking. "Does Brian know that she's never been kissed? Does he know what she wants her little girl's name to be, but doubts she'll ever have one? Does he know that she hates being left out? That she worries all the time of what others think of her? That she always consciously puts other people's happiness before her own?"  Kevin seemed to be questioning the air rather than Howie, who was sitting quietly. "Does Brian know that Sarah's afraid of love because she doesn't know what it is and thinks that no one can ever love her? "
        Kevin stopped, and rubbed his eyes. Howie fought even harder to find the right words. Silence filled the space between them, threatening to stay there for a while, Kevin's questions hung heavy in the air. Howie sighed, wondering if he would be saying the right thing. Brian had confided in him just days ago when Howie had come back to the house...but Kevin needed to hear it.
       "Do you know that she loves you?"

___________________
**adapted from Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Feilding

>>Chapter Ten..part one