As nicely as January
seemed to end, Real Life decided to remind everyone that it was still around.
Everybody that had to depart had left at different times during the first
few days of February, but for once in a long while, it seemed okay that they
were doing so--it wasn't
wrong anymore that everyone was scattered
hundreds of miles apart--this time, the separation wasn't going to do any
harm. If anything, it helped the situation.
With all the confusion and chaos,
AJ's, Cathy's, and Nick's birthdays had been missed. Before everyone parted
ways, the three let it be known that they didn't care, but it was decided
that the next time everyone got together, there'd be a mandatory Disneyland
trip, especially since Jenny's and Brian's birthdays would be missed during
the group's separation. Sarah sat silently through the discussion and simply
asked "Why?" when there had been a break in conversation, her face clouded
with confusion...an awkward silence settled after Kevin had replied "Tradition."
After the subject was changed, it wasn't mentioned again, though everyone
silently hoped that Sarah's memory would be better whenever they did take
the trip.
During February, everyone was slowly
settling back into their lives...Chin had shopped around for some jobs in
the area by the house and had settled as a consultant and guest-speaker for
one of the nearby fashion schools. She also was invited to give her fashion
insight to Julie's newspaper at times. AJ went back to Johnny No-Name, mainly
keeping in-touch with Chin through email. As AJ had said, "Since the damn
phone lines in your house are always busy, why not make use of that cable
modem and write me as if you WERE talking to me?" Chin had agreed. Time after
time the two exchanged long letters via the net, sometimes talking about nothing
in particular.
Hannah had left with Lance--morphing
from tour-photographer to the official group photographer. She kept contact
through the phone and email, but just to be "old fashioned," she sent everyone
postcards whenever she could, as well as "priceless" pictures here and here.
With Brian and Jenny to the stage
of virtually no tension, the two began to rack up a considerable amount of
money with their phone bills--her being on the east coast, him being on the
west. Jenny was dealing with school, but now always made the time to talk
to him. Only writing songs and dealing with the record company, Brian ended
up spending a lot of time at the house, and a lot of time on the phone with
Jenny. Brian constantly fiddled with the notion of suggesting that they try
"them" again, but never attempted to do so, in fear of upsetting the nice
balance they had so recently found...little did he know that Jenny toyed
with the same emotions as well.
Howie spent his time with his real-estate
in Florida, flying back and forth between his offices on one end of the country
and the record company on the other. Nick did the same with the band he managed.
He did, however, make an extra effort to stay at the house whenever he could.
Julie slowly stopped being such a
workaholic...Howie, Brian, and Nick kept up their random "visits" from the
company--but now, of course, Julie didn't leave early or stay at work late
when they did so...she was home as much as possible when Nick was around.
Kevin had departed for Paris...though
not completely ready to return to the life he had been leading for the past
year. This time there would be no Chin to have dinner with, and no Sarah to
really talk to on the phone. Everyone could see the pain in his eyes when
Sarah had made a big fuss about Brian leaving, but simply hugged Kevin goodbye,
as she did everyone else. He told himself over and over she would grow out
of it, that she would be
Sarah again...but as the days passed, his
thoughts took a beating...much like a stone or cliffs by the ocean, his hopes
were slowly wearing away.
Sarah hadn't mentioned working for
the Boys, so the question never came up whether or not she would return to
her part-time job; everyone figured she would do so whenever she remembered
that she had had such a job. She spent most of her days helping Cathy at the
YMCA, aiding Julie with her paperwork, going with Chin to fashion shows and
conventions, or just taking care of the house and animals. She felt like a
stupid homemaker, but never let anyone know of her feelings of inadequacy.
During February, she finally came
to terms with the fact that that she was indeed friends with everybody--there
was no longer a need for the others to pretend. But when this news broke,
it didn't affect much of the present situation--everyone remained mostly civil
with each other, as if the habit had morphed back into the old way of life.
Sarah wasn't as close with the girls as they wished, but she was no longer
distant with them. She made an effort, a hard, serious effort, to bring back
all the memories she had had with them. The same went with the guys--she
took the time to try and catch them on the phone when they weren't busy...just
to talk. To try and spark something that lay dormant and dusty in her brain.
She still confided in Brian, but she didn't "ignore" Kevin or Lance anymore.
Toward the end of February, she left
for a week to visit her family, and returned more confused than ever. Even
though she remembered a good deal, some things never seemed to click, and
some things that were out of place just seemed to stay the same, not improving
with the passing days...Her birthday came and went--she wouldn't let anyone
do anything for it. Even though she was tenderly rebuilding her relationships
as her memory seeped back, at times, it seemed too painful to do so...
Everyone had agreed to push back the
"reunion" till the end of March since the group had met for so long in January.
Even though many things seemed to look up, something was wrong.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[Third week of March, 2003]
"So, how's the 23-year-old?" Brian
asked over the phone as he rummaged through his drawers to pack his things.
"What?"
"Wasn't it your birthday, like, three
weeks ago?" Brian asked, having stopped packing. Sarah was silent for a moment.
"Oh...yeah. Sorry." She didn't seem
to care. Brian furrowed his brows and sat down on his bed.
"Sorry? It was your birthday, not
mine."
"Didn't we forget your birthday?
And Jenny's...was that the Disneyland thing?" She tried in vain to remember.
"No, wait--that was AJ, Cathy, and Nick, right? When was yours?"
A small smile crept onto Brian's face;
she was trying so hard..."Don’t worry about it. We'll deal with that later,"
Brian said, changing the subject. "Who's picking me up from the airport?"
he asked, grabbing his tickets off his desk.
"Who else?" Sarah laughed.
"So I'll see you and your Civic outside
the terminal, huh?"
"Me and Roky, yes," Sarah reminded
him. "He wants to see his daddy."
"What about Darwin--no mommy-time
for him?" Brian searched under his bed to find his shoes. He shimmied under
the bed-skirt even more when he could only feel part of a shoe at his fingertips.
"He gets plenty of mommy-time at home,"
she giggled. Brian was glad Sarah had at least remembered her dog again...
"Brian?"
"Hmm?...OW," he yelped, having smacked
his head on the underside of the bed when he found his shoes. "Sorry, searching
for stuff. What is it?"
"Is Kevin coming?" Her voice seemed
small. Brian raised an eyebrow.
"No...he's in Paris. He'll be coming
later, with everyone else...Why?"
"Oh, that's right...silly me. Don't
worry about it. I was just trying to figure out where everyone was...Howie
and Nick are coming down with you, right?"
"Nope...they'll follow in a few days.
Both are in Florida dealing with business. Just me for now...Everyone else
will be piling in next week, for the reunion...remember?"
"Ohh, right. Sorry..." Sarah laughed
weakly. She silently cursed herself for being so stupid. She had accepted
the fact that she couldn't remember a lot of things from before the accident,
but it got to her that she even messed stuff up that dealt with the
present,
not the past.
"You okay?" Brian asked, his eyes
darting around, making one more quick check before he'd leave.
"Yeah...it's just...you'd think I'd
remember
that stuff, you know?" Sarah sighed. Brian pursed his lips,
hoping against hope she wasn't going to get upset again. He had become accustomed
to her almost breaking down easily, but that didn't mean he ever wanted her
to do so.
"Don't worry about it, Sarah. I bet
it's just connections, you know? Like, you kinda had to re-learn what everyone
has been up to for the past year...I mean, if you were totally used to the
fact that D and Nick had stuff in Florida, it'd come easily, you know?" Brian
tried to reason. "And the reunion plans...same thing."
"Yeah, I guess..." Sarah trailed off.
Brian looked at the clock...he had to go...but he didn't want to leave her
upset. He'd done so before, and regretted it, having to almost pry words out
of Sarah before she shut-down completely. Only he knew of her almost-shut-downs,
and he planned to keep that knowledge to himself, if not erase them from her
emotional system completely.
"I gotta go if I'm gonna catch my
flight...You'll be okay, right?"
"Yeah," Sarah sighed.
"Okay..." Brian accepted her answer,
though he knew he'd be having a long talk with her later. "I'll see you in
an hour...Bye."
"Bye." Sarah hung up.
Over the past two months, she had
begun to hate that word. 'Okay.' What did 'okay' really mean? It was the
same with 'fine.'...Nick and Howie always asked her how she was when they
dropped by. She'd simply answer 'fine' to stop any interrogation.
But as her brain was dealing with
slowly recovering her memory, two aspects from her past were clouding her
mind. One was confusing... while the other was coming back worse than it
ever had been. She had hid it before, but she wasn't doing too well with
it this time around.
She wasn't 'fine.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[2 days later]
Brian never did finishing 'talking' to
Sarah...she'd either changed the subject, or something would distract them.
But he let it slide; he didn't want her to dwell on anything that upset her.
Howie and Nick had arrived in the
morning--Cathy and Julie had gone to get them. Nick and Julie left for the
park, Cathy for her job, and Brian for the phone with Jenny. Howie left the
house briefly and returned, his focus on Sarah. He walked into the kitchen,
eyeing her as she sat the table, reading. She had made a vow to read all
the books she couldn't remember but was told she had loved, and was presently
on her fourth: Stranger in a Strange Land. Howie smiled and shook his head,
amused by the serious, concentrating expression she held on her face.
"Hungry?"
She looked up. "For what?"
"Food?"
"Specifically...?"
"Sushi?"
"What?"
"Sushi, you know--"
"I know what sushi is, D...But since when
did I like it?" Sarah made a face, returning her eyes to her book. Howie's
smile fell. He'd assumed Julie, Cathy, or Chin would have known what foods
Sarah no longer liked, but they hadn't mentioned anything. He remembered Kevin
telling him about Sarah briefly losing her love for basketball...He sighed,
placed the two packages he had just bought in front of a seat across from
Sarah, and sat down. He opened one and began munching away as he grabbed the
comics to read. Sarah's eyes looked over her book, her gaze shifting to the
supposed food. Something told her to try it. Howie wasn't paying attention,
so she reached for one, took a deep breath, and popped it in her mouth. She
chewed for a bit, then swallowed.
"Mind if I take the other package?" She asked.
Howie looked at her, hand in mid-air, ready to pop another piece in his mouth.
"You sure?" He raised an eyebrow. Sarah
nodded, smiling sweetly. He grinned and gave her the second package. Even
if it was a baby step, it was something...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[The next day]
Everyone was finally back at the house
for the reunion, things running smoothly.
Kevin passed Sarah's room--her door was
cracked open a bit--his eyes catching on two figures. Sarah was crying...he
didn't know why...but she was. He wanted to run in and hug her, comfort her...but
Brian was already doing that.
Kevin forced himself to continue his
walk down the hall.
[11:55 PM]
Brian sat at the counter, stirring his
decaf coffee quietly. He had forgotten to take his sleeping pills, and had
heard Sarah crying in her room.
This was now three days in a row...and it had been twice already today...he
didn't know how much longer he could keep this from everyone else. She confided
in him, and he wasn't about to go break the trust of friendship...but she
wasn't doing well. Random bouts of "crying for no reason" had become more
frequent...she never told him why; if he found her, he'd just hold her until
she stopped or fell asleep. If she didn't fall asleep, she'd make him promise
to tell no one, thank him for always being there, then leave quickly, as if
feeling guilty for wasting his time.
Brian sighed and sipped his drink. It
needed more sugar. He got up and headed for the pantry.
"I’m sorry," he heard a voice. He turned
around and met her eyes.
"Don't be."
"I didn't let you sleep."
"I wasn't sleeping anyway. How do you think
I heard you?"
"Maybe you're just trained to hear me crying
by now?" Sarah shrugged, looking at her feet. Brian grabbed the sugar and
returned to his stool by the counter, beckoning her to sit next to him. She
silently obeyed.
"So what's up?" Brian asked after a few
moment of silence.
"Couldn't sleep," Sarah muttered. Brian
smiled and shoved the mug towards her. Well, maybe she wasn't doing so bad...she
was strong...she could do this.
"Join the club. Drink up."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[2 days later, 7 PM]
"Brian, GO!" Sarah ordered, trying to push
him out of her room.
"You'll be okay?"
"YES!" Sarah grinned, shoving him
harder. "GO have FUN!" She insisted. Brian stopped leaning backwards against
her and turned around, eyeing her. She hadn't cried in the past two days...maybe
she was getting better?
"You're sure?"
"Bri-AN!" Sarah wailed. She knew he was
worried...she
had cried, but hadn't run to him, and had hid from him.
She knew she was keeping him from doing things with the others, and making
him worry to death. She had vowed not to worry him anymore, if she could help
it... "Don’t miss dinner out just because of me. GO! Before I HURT YOU!" she
laughed.
Brian smiled...she was actually laughing...not an act for the others...it
seemed real.
"Ok...but if you feel pouty--"
"You mean if I go back to sit in my pity
pot--"
"Whatever. Just don’t keep it from me,
K? Promise?"
"Yeah, yeah...now...SHOO!!" Sarah smiled
as he scampered down the hall like a kid. Making sure everyone had left the
house, she sighed and closed her door. She headed towards the bathroom.
Silence. Finally.
No questions. No worried looks. No
stepping on eggshells.
Just her in the bathroom. Alone. Privacy.
She studied her figure in the mirror before
her. She looked into her own tired eyes; supposedly big and beautiful, but
far from perfect; excess skin around them and the dark circles from too many
days of swollen flesh as a result of her allergies. Her eyelashes; short and
flat, always needing to be curled. Her nose; too small. Her eyebrows; painstakingly
plucked but never looked right. Her lack of noticeable cheekbones. Her lips,
though full, were useless; no lipstick ever worked and they always felt chapped.
Her horrible sideburns that only she seemed to notice, along with the light
mustache that always bothered her. She shook her head at the thoughts of
her useless brain--maybe she was smart, but stupid all the same. Not enough
intelligence to even find a career she could enjoy. Academic excellence and
glory counts for nothing when you don’t know what you want to do with your
life.
Her gaze trailed down her body as she stood
in front of the full-length mirror. Her pudgy arms, her short fingers and
dark elbows. She frowned at the stretch marks by her upper arms, back and
front, that would never go away; their sisters danced on her hips, upper thighs,
and her back; scars from her horrid weight. She felt the bulges around her
waist and stomach under the cloth of her shirt. She could imagine enough to
see through her pants at her dark knees and horribly shaven legs. Her sandals
did nothing to hide her flat feet or her ugly toes.
She finally studied the wrist guard
that had been recently put to replace her cast on her left arm. She checked
her body for scars from the accident and scanned for any possible remaining
healing wounds and deep bruises. When she caught her own gaze again, she noticed
tears that had yet to brim over. Her chin trembled as she closed her eyes.
She began to silently cry.
She was so deformed.
Why had she survived the accident?
[3 hours later, 10PM]
The whole group, minus Sarah, was at the
beach. Lance, Hannah, Nick, Julie, Cathy, and Howie had all taken a moonlight
walk by the water, barefoot. Kevin had muttered something about walking alone
and had taken off in the opposite direction of the couples. Chin and AJ were
stargazing, lying on their backs in the sand. Jenny and Brian had found some
rocks to sit on and were looking out at the moon reflecting on the ocean.
Brian turned his head and watched as the
wind played with Jenny's hair. Her gaze seemed set on the waves, but then
she turned and met his eyes.
"Yes?" she smiled. Brian sheepishly grinned.
"Just looking at your hair," he confessed.
Jenny ran her hand through it.
'"So gorgeous, eh, dah-ling?" she giggled.
Brian laughed. She reached over and ran her hand through his curls. "Noh-ting
like dis mess," she grinned. Brian made a face.
"I happen to like my 'mess,' thank-you-very-much."
He crossed his arms.
"Just playing, mister," she laughed.
Both were silent...she had said 'mister.'
They had dropped that so long ago...
Brian reached out and ran his hand through
her hair. "Your hair
is beautiful, missy," he whispered.
Jenny found herself lost in his eyes...like
she had been once, so long ago...
Before either of them knew it, their lips
met. They didn't jump away, but held the kiss, as if remembering all that
they had once had.
When they broke apart, they looked
at each other.
They had broken up with a silent implied
gaze...
This time around, the effect was the
opposite.