Chapter Eighteen: Am.I.Everything.You.Need? (January 10, 2000)
"Some psycho is stalking them and you want me to keep my COOL?!" AJ spat at Brian. All the Boys had agreed to have a talk at AJ's house after they had dropped us off at the airport.
"What else are we going to do, huh?" Brian replied, just as upset as AJ was. "Report this to the authorities? Launch some year-long, unsuccessful investigation, stir up the fans, get the girls' faces on every newspaper and teeny-magazine in the country, have their house guarded by police day and night, cause panic...I could go on! Is THAT what you want?!"
"All I want is for them to be safe..." Nick mumbled, not looking at any of them. AJ and Brian softened, looking at their youngest band mate.
"They will be safe...they are safe." Howie tried to comfort him. "These crazies will lose steam after awhile. They've done anything possible, there's nothing left to do. Don't worry."
"But they know where the girls live..." Nick whispered.
"And so do we," Kevin said.
"But we can't be there to protect them twenty-four-seven!" AJ spoke up.
"No one can be!" Brian reminded him.
There was silence for awhile.
"This is all my fault," Nick said, almost inaudibly. The Boys looked at him.
"What?" AJ asked, incredulously.
"It's...all...my fault." He wouldn't look any of them in the eye.
"What are you talking about?" Brian asked as if Nick was going insane.
"I...told...someone...about...the girls," Nick whispered.
"You're not making sense...People know about the girls. Directors know about the girls. Our families know about the girls...what's your point?" Howie asked.
"I told...an...interviewer."
"WHAT!?" Brian and AJ shot up at the same time. Kevin pushed them back down onto the couch.
In the instance of any relationships, both present (Julie & Nick) or possible, it had been fine to tell the reporters - the fans had a right to know if any of the Boys were 'taken.' But it had been an unwritten rule among the Boys not to tell interviewers about the six of us girls as a collective group. What Nick had done was not 'fine.'
"At the VMA's...remember how we got interviewed separately? The reporter asked me about our girlfriend situations at the time cuz she said there had been no real information about that since our last 'real' interview since like January last year or something..." Nick painfully explained. "Julie and I had just taken a break. But I forgot, and started...then corrected myself, and told her that we have this group of girls who are our good friends who live together...and I rambled...then stopped to excuse myself and leave," Nick sighed, his head in his hands.
"But how can people find out about girls from that?" Howie asked. "That was nothing!"
"Anything is possible. How do fans find OUR phone numbers? How do they find our where WE live?" AJ got up, pacing.
"Okay, so you're saying some freaks read somewhere in Bop or something that we had close friends, and decided that they were potential girlfriends, and went out for the kill?" Brian tried to bring the guys back to reality. "That's crazy!"
"Do you have anything better?" Kevin asked his cousin. Brian didn't reply.
"So what are we going to do?" Nick asked. "I screwed everything up."
"What is there to do?" AJ kept pacing.
"Stop bashing yourself, Nick. For all we know, we could be letting our imaginations run away with us," Howie sighed.
"The girls are fine. Everything is fine. We'll leave it at that," Kevin firmly stated."So do you think our house will be toilet-papered when we get home?" Cathy joked as we got settled in out seats in the plane. She was sitting beside me. I swatted her.
"That's not funny," I grumbled.
"So sue me for trying to find the lighter side to all of this," she retorted.
"The lighter side would be - haha, funny, Chin really did pull a prank," Jenny stated, "...but she didn't."
"Alex knows I didn't, too...but...geeze. Why did those freaks have to ruin things for his birthday?" Chin rested her head on the window, and closed her eyes.
"Chin, it's okay," Jenny gave her a hug.
"We still had fun. HE still had fun, okay? Don't worry about it, everything will be fine..." Julie tried to reason.
"Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about," Hannah repeated, trying to sound convinced.(January 26, 2000)
"So what's going on?"
"Everyone else is busy doing something...The guys are here for a few days, you know, cuz Kat and Nickís birthdays are so close together...I dunno what crazy stuff we might end up doing. I think Chin and Jen are outside in the backyard...Julie's with Nick, of course...Bri's on his cell...AJ's worrying over some papers...Sarah's outside practicing her basketball...Kev, Kat, and D are trying to write songs or sumtin...and...I miss you," Hannah replied. She was lying down on her back on her bed.
"How sweet," Lance laughed.
"I'm bored." Hannah rolled onto her stomach, holding the phone between her shoulder and ear.
"I can tell," Lance laughed again.
"Hey! Stop laughing at me! Or else..."
"Or else what?"
"I'll...I'll...Leave you!" she joked.
"Oh no!" Lance pretended to act shocked.
"Hey, I need to hear real shock here, boy."
"Oh NO!" Lance tried again.
"That's better."
"I work to please."
"Mm-hmm......Crap."
"Huh?"
"This necklace of yours LOVES getting caught in things."
"Aww...you're wearing my necklace!"
"I thought we went over this when you came last time. What else would I be doing with it, dummy?"
"I dunno...stick it in a bank or sumtin?"
"Well, ARRIGHT then. I'll just stick it in a safe-box, never to be seen again. At least I know it will be SAFE there...Is it worth that much?"
"Well, I'm not supposed to tell you, am I? It was a present, after all."
"You suck."
"Why thank you."
"But I still love you."
"Ditto."
"What, you can't say it back?"
"I never said that!"
"Exactly. You never said it back!"
"Dude, I say 'ditto' and you attack me?"
"I'm playing with you, Bass."(Later that evening)
We were sitting in the kitchen, doing nothing in particular. AJ and Chin's eyes met, and thought an idea over. Out of the blue, Chin spoke up.
"Let's go dancing!"
"I know why you wanna dance..." AJ grinned.
"Why?" Chin gave him a funny look.
"Cuz itís the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." AJ made a suggestive face.
"AJ!" A pillow flew by his head and Jenny smacked him. "OW! I was trying to get your guys' attention!" he exclaimed.
"Well, that you got," Hannah laughed as Jenny proceeded to chase AJ around the room for one more punch.
"So clubbing it is?" Howie spoke up, his eyes sparkling. We all looked at him.
"How old are we again?" Julie mentioned.
"Just under 21..." Kevin answered.
"Bingo...same with Nick," Cathy sighed.
"There are plenty of clubs down here that we can get into. I've been. Trust me," Chin piped up.
"Yeah, yeah, we know...but what if we don't wanna go?" I replied.
"Aw, c'mon...why not? It'll be FUN!" Nick got up from his seat, ready to go. "I think Kat and I should choose. We're the ones turning a year older."
"YEAH!" Cathy shot up.
"Fine..."I rolled my eyes.
"CLUBBING IT IS!!!!" Chin, Howie, Cathy, AJ, and Nick yelled.(an hour later)
"ARE YOU GIRLS DONE YET?" AJ yelled from the bottom of the stairs. The other guys joined him, waiting for us.
"NO!!!!!!!!!" we screamed back, rushing around upstairs.
Finally, a few minutes later, we began to come down, receiving scowls from the Boys.
"YOU try and share three bathrooms between six girls." I poked AJ in the chest with my pointer finger.
"The five of us shared 2 bathrooms perfectly fine," Nick said nonchalantly.
"You...are...guys!" Cathy clarified, coming down the stairs, before grabbing Howie by his tie and pulling him towards the garage. Jenny was the last to run down the stairs; Brian had waited for her.
"Sorry, couldn't find my hair clip," she apologized, messing with her hair.
"It's perfectly fine," he smiled, pulling her hands away from her hair. He put out his arm and she hooked hers around his as they walked to the garage. Brian looked down at her...that beautiful black hair...No wonder he had loved Susan's. Wait, what was he thinking? Susan was a memory now. Two weeks ago they had broken up. He shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts.
"Bri-an," Jenny laughed. "You plan to stand by the door aaalll night?"
He looked around. We had all split up between our three cars, and were having the usual random bickering and discussions. I was in the Civic Jenny and I shared, yelling at Kevin about his seatbelt. Brian had paused at the door to the garage in thought, and Jenny had kept walking. Now a smile played on her lips while she waited for her absent-minded friend.
"Sorry..."he grinned and walked towards our car.(at the club)
After we got in, we grabbed a huge booth, big enough to fit all of us. Eventually everyone went off to dance, but returned every now and then."Hannah, you should go out and dance!" Jenny exclaimed.
"No way, I would feel awful." She took a sip of her soda.
"I'm sure Lance wouldn't mind..." I looked up from my drink and saw Kevin approaching us. When he slid in the booth, I whispered to him. "Ask Hannah to dance..." He nodded, understanding the situation, and took her out to the dance floor. "So why aren't you dancing?" I asked turning to Jenny. "I'm the one who sits, not you." I raised an eyebrow at her. She shrugged.
"No one asked me?" she offered, staring into space. I sighed and watched Kevin as he twirled a laughing Hannah."Are we gonna dance all night?" Nick asked Julie loud enough for her to hear.
"Sure..." she shouted back. He smiled in return. He and Julie were back together... that's all that mattered."Want to dance?" a man walked up to our table.
"Who you asking?" Chin shouted to him over the loud music. He pointed to her and she nodded.
"What's with Chin?" Jenny asked me. I shrugged.
"She likes dancing...SO?" I asked back.
"Shouldn't she be dancing with AJ?" Jenny asked. I looked closely at Jenny. She was wondering about herself...not Chin.
"Just because she likes someone doesn't mean she can't dance with other people," I told Jenny, who glanced out on the dance floor. She sighed and returned to stare into space.
"Hey, AJ!" I smiled as he joined the booth. "Having fun?" I asked him. He shrugged and slid next to me.
"You?" he asked turning to me.
"I don't like clubs very much..." I replied. AJ turned to the dance floor, his eyes searching the crowd. "You looking for someone?" I asked. AJ tore his eyes from whomever he was watching and looked at me.
"Not anymore." He studied me for a moment, then glanced at Jenny. "What's with Jenny?" he asked.
"Hasn't gotten a feel for the floor yet..." I shrugged.
"Wanna dance?" AJ reached over me, and nudged her. She glanced at AJ, then to me, her eyes went to Brian's figure dancing amongst the lights, and she looked back at AJ.
"Sure..."
I watched as Jenny and AJ hit the dance floor.
"I'm back..." Hannah smiled and she sat down.
"Your turn..." Kevin grinned. I shook my head.
"Have you forgotten I don't dance?"
"Have you forgotten you've already danced with me? You know you have no way out of this..." He extended a hand and I sighed.
"Fine!" I groaned and he dragged me out for another dance."What's with Howie and Cathy?" Chin asked sliding next to a lonely Hannah.
"I don't know," Hannah shrugged as she glanced up. Howie and Cathy had been dancing together since we came in.
"You got something on your mind?" Chin took a sip of her soda.
"Just wish Lance was here..."
"Hannah! Come ON! Lance isn't your life. Just cuz he's not around doesn't mean you can't have fun. Look, as long as you stick to dancing and not dirty dancing or kissing and so forth, it'll be fine!" Chin nudged Hannah out of the booth. "Not to mention the guy over there has been eyeing you!""Jenny, are you planning to smile anytime soon?" AJ yelled. She snapped out of her thoughts and looked at him confused.
"What?!" she asked.
"Smile!" AJ exclaimed. Jenny rolled her eyes at AJ and then smiled.
"So what's your story?" Jenny asked as he twirled her a bit.
"My story?" he asked.
"Why you are looking so gloomy as well," she explained. AJ shrugged. "Chin?" Jenny guessed. AJ stopped for a moment and then remembered everyone knew. He sighed and continued dancing.
"Something like that..." he eventually answered."Wanna dance?" Kevin asked Chin. She looked at me as I flopped into the booth.
"For the love of god - PLEASE! He's tiring me out...Go!" I shoved Chin out and they took off to the dance floor.
"Where are they going?" Jenny asked as she returned, AJ following her.
"Dancing..." I answered. "Now, are you having fun?" I asked Jenny. She glanced at AJ.
"As much fun as AJ is having," she smiled. AJ turned to us and gave us a funny look. He sat down next to Jenny, who had slid in to my right. Kevin returned and sat to my left.
"Where's Chin?" AJ asked him.
"Someone cut in..." he pouted. "I need a dance partner..." Kevin shifted his eyes from me to Jenny. I slumped down and Jenny sighed.
"I'll do it..."
AJ got up for Jenny and she took off with Kevin.
"Go dance!" I poked him. "I see a ton of girls checking you out!"
He laughed lightly and slid in further so we wouldn't have to yell.
"Any of them being a certain friend of ours?" he asked, his eyes softening.
"Hey, guys!" Chin gasped as she sat to my left. AJ watched her silently as she drank her soda.
"Having fun?" I asked her. She shrugged and looked at AJ.
"Are you?" Chin shifted her eyes back to me. I gave her a look that said 'I'd rather be in Jr. High detention'. She rolled her eyes at me, smiled, and turned to AJ. "...And you?" AJ shrugged and looked away. Chin got of out her seat next to me and slid next to AJ, who slowly brought his eyes to hers. "Something the matter?" she asked softly. AJ paused and smiled at her.
"I'm fine..." he whispered in her ear.
"Good, cuz I was looking for a dance partner..." She began smiling and then turned to me. "Know anyone?" she asked, scrunching up her nose.
"How about him?" I pointed to someone random, playing along.
"Nah..." she shook her head and turned to AJ. "Interested?"
"In who? Him?" AJ frowned. Chin swatted him and slid out.
"Come on!" she held out her hand and he accepted it.
"Finally!" I smiled as the two began to dance.
"Sarah!" Kevin returned with Jenny.
"Not again!" I moaned and Jenny and I switched places.(an hour later... after constantly switching around so Jenny could get some dancing action and I could save my feet)
Jenny was sitting in our booth, stirring her virgin margarita and staring off into space. I plopped down beside her, after Kevin had found another dance partner. Good lord.
"Out of me, you, and Julie, I'd think you'd be dancing." I took a gulp of my Mountain Dew. "But somehow, Julie is getting down and dirty with her birthday boy, and I've been made to dance against my will..." I continued, trying to get a response. She looked at me and shrugged. I followed her gaze onto the dance floor...where Brian was getting down with some girl he had met at the club. "Oh, Jenny..." I sighed. She looked at her drink. "He'll dance with you later, I'm sure."
"I wish..."(an hour later)
"I'm tired..." Julie plopped down in the seat next to me, Nick sliding in beside her.
"Well, you've been dancing for hours!" I exclaimed, looking at my watch. Julie shrugged and leaned against Nick's shoulder.
"We're back..." Cathy sat beside Jenny and Howie following.
"Have fun?" Nick asked them. They looked at each other and nodded.
"Now... I'm tired and ready to sit," Kevin smiled and sat down next to Howie.
"Hey guys!" Hannah joined our group and sat beside Nick.
"You have fun?" I asked her. She nodded.
"He asked for my number, though..." she frowned. We all looked at her and she quickly added, "I told him 'no'..."
We nodded approval and began to chat about random things.
"Are we leaving?" Chin joined the group, her arm around AJ's waist. Half of us raised an eyebrow but quickly shrugged it off.
"Do you want to?" Howie asked.
"Not really..." she laughed.
"I think we should..." I nodded my head.
"You didn't even want to come!" Kevin frowned at me.
"So?" I innocently smiled.
"You're opinion doesn't count!" he exclaimed. I smacked him.
"One more dance, okay?" AJ pleaded with me.
"Hey guys, we leaving?" Brian joined the group.
"Brian finally shows up," Chin said under her breath. "We're trying to get Sarah here to let us have one more dance..." Chin stated and glanced at me.
"Yeah! Just ONE more!" Brian pleaded. I rolled my eyes and agreed. AJ and Chin took off. Brian seemed to walk off and Jenny pulled me closer.
"What were you saying? 'Later,' huh?" she asked me, the hurt evident in her eyes. Suddenly, Brian popped back up, his eyes on Jenny.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked her, putting down the drink he had just bought. She was speechless. I grinned.
"What were you saying about what I was saying?" I whispered. "Go for it."
"Come on. Sorry I haven't been paying attention to you all night." Brian made a puppy dog face. "...But hey, I saved the best for last!"
"I'd love to dance with you, mister." Jenny smiled. Everyone slid out for her and Brian whisked her away to the floor, pulling her close as a slow song came on.
"Shall we?" Nick asked Julie. She smiled and nodded. Soon, Howie and Cathy joined up.
"Come on. Last one!" Kevin pleaded. I looked at him and laughed at his sorry attempt at puppy dog eyes.
"Fine!" I sighed, "You owe me!" I pouted.
"Big time..." he promised.Everyone was too awake to go to bed when we got home, so we decided to go on a nice walk. Jenny opted to stay home, and so did Kevin. Later, though, Kevin left...but came back quite soon, supporting Brian coming in the door.
"What happened?!" Jenny rushed to them.
"I just feel...sick," Brian murmured, leaning heavily on Kevin.
"He was sitting down on a bench at the park. He had told the others to keep going...I think it's food poisoning or something. He's been complaining about his stomach," Kevin explained, as they took him to the downstairs guestroom. Once he was in bed, Kevin stood back, out of the way, for a moment. Jenny tucked Brian in, swept some of his bangs aside, and kissed his forehead.
"Don't worry about anything, okay? I'll take care of you."
Brian gave a weak smile and nodded. Jenny left the room to get a few things.
"Brian, how much alcohol did you have?" Kevin finally spoke up.
"What's...that supposed to mean?"
"It probably didn't help that rotten food go down, huh?"
"I don't need you to get on my case, Kev...It's not like I was driving home...I had a few to loosen up, that's all...This is food poisoning...or an allergic reaction...or something. It's my stomach, not my head."
"I didn't mean..." Kevin trailed off, and sat at the foot of the bed, looking at his cousin. Brian looked away, and it was silent for awhile.
"Is something wrong with me, Kev?" Brian broke the silence. Kevin gave him a confused look. "All the girls...It's not normal, or something. There's been...too many," Brian sighed.
"What? Do I have any clue why you've had so many girlfriends?...I dunno, maybe it's just some sort of trial and error type thing?"
"I don't plan on going out with every girl on the planet, Kev," Brian replied. He looked up at the ceiling. "...It's like all of them in the past year just weren't...weren't..."
"Enough?" Kevin finished for him. Brian looked at him.
"Yeah..." Brian breathed. "As stupid as it may sound, if I wanted any one of those girls as a girlfriend, I could have just been with...Jenny, you know? She's what they've all been put together, but much more...I have everything in life that any man would want...but love..."
"What kind of soup do you want?" Jenny appeared in the room. Brian and Kevin looked at her quizzically. "Wait, on second thought, maybe soup wouldn't be such a good idea. Um...I'll get you a cold soda. Fizzy stuff usually helps. Water, that too...um...You want a bucket? You don't wanna puke on the bed." Jenny ran off without getting a response from either of the guys. Brian smiled.
"What if the one thing that you don't have may be the only thing that you need?" Kevin asked. Brian blinked.
"What?"
"You said you have everything in life that any man would want. It's true. The group is successful, famous, happy, established...You're right. We're all well off... But why is love the one thing you don't have, Brian? What is it that you need?"
"Here. I think the sodas are in the 2nd fridge in the garage." Jenny showed up again, placing a bucket by the side of the bed. She placed a basin of water on the nightstand, and put a damp towel on Brian's head. "I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a try," she smiled, before running off again.
"Bri, I know you too well," Kevin continued, once Jenny had disappeared. "You want Jen...in fact, you've convinced yourself you need her. You have these standards set and they were built by meeting Jenny. You just don't realize your Princess is in front of you, Prince Charming. She's rummaging in the garage, trying to find you a 7UP...You know what you want, but you don't know you have it already," he finished. Brian looked out the window and sighed.
"...But I don't have Jenny. We're just...friends."
"Call me crazy, but I remember something you once told Nicky when he got his heart broken for the first time-"
"What's that?" Brian looked at his cousin.
" 'Don't wait for the one you can live with...wait for the one you can't live without.' You've been waiting and searching and having all these girlfriends...but what has that amounted to? And think about it - when you're not with Jenny, how do you feel?" Kevin watched Brian's gaze shift to the empty doorway. The younger cousin sighed. Both heard the door to the garage open and close. "She's the one you can't live without, Brian...She's what you don't have; she's what you need," Kevin stated softly. "She's the one."(Meanwhile, on the walk)
"So are you okay with this?" Nick leaned close to Julie and whispered in her ear as the two walked hand in hand.
"Okay with what?" she played along, whispering back.
"With...us. Being back together."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know...I-"
"Shh."
"What-?"
"Shh..."
"Are you shushing me?"
"Yes," Julie smiled.
"Why?"
"You're worrying over nothing." Julie put a finger to his lips to indicate their meaningless discussion was over. He smiled and squeezed her hand.AJ cracked a smile in the darkness looking at the two lovebirds walking a few feet in front of Chin and himself. He glanced down at her - she was observing the nighttime scenery. What he wouldn't give to hold her hand...
Chin was thinking...about what it could have been like. If she and Alex were, to put it lightly, like the two people in front of them? They hadn't fully spoken about the fight...it just didn't seem right. They were almost back to where their friendship had been...but was that what she wanted?"You never told me what happened with you and Chin and Jenny in my room," Hannah spoke softly, out of the blue. I studied her.
"What?"
"Was Chin really upset?" Hannah looked at me. So it had been worrying her...
"She was confused. She didn't know why AJ had yelled at her...though Jenny told me later. I guess she's the only one who doesn't know yet..."
"But why should she? How would that knowledge help in anyway?" Hannah questioned me.
"It would help her feelings be more concrete...She wouldn't try to keep hiding and denying them," I stated, making sure Chin and AJ couldn't hear us.
"Wh-what are you saying?"
"What do you think I'm saying?"
"That...That...?"
"That Chin may feel the same way towards AJ as he feels towards her? Yes."
"Holy crap...Why don't we do anything!?"
"Shh...Leave it as it is."
"But why?"
"Because Chin needs to recognize and accept her feelings before anything can be done."At the end of our little line, unbeknownst to us, Cathy and Howie were happily walking along...pinkies hooked together, absorbed in their own chatter.
Chapter Nineteen: Everything's.Gone.Hurt.And.Wrong
.If.I.Don't.Have.You. Index
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